There are times when it all feels like it’s just too much. It feels like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders, like everything is seconds away from falling apart. My anxiety kicks in, my worries surface, and suddenly I can’t take my mind off of my deepest and darkest fears. It makes me want to just give up. Give up on my dream, give up on everything I have worked for up until this point. It makes me want to just give. up.
And the worst part is that I know it’s petty. I know that I’m one of the lucky few who wake up feeling healthy every morning, with food on the table and clean water to drink. I know there are bigger problems in the world than “my dream”. So it feels petty. It feels childish. It feels immature. Worst of all is that I know I’m doing my best, trying my hardest. And even though the day-by-day progress feels small and insignificant – I know that it’s the small steps added together that makes up the big steps. But the feeling of doubt, fear and failure is so strong – it takes over and it makes me want to give up. And it’s sickening – like there’s a hole in my stomach.
But then I snap out of it. Somehow.
Somehow I find a way to pick myself up. I count out all of the things I am so grateful for. I think of all of the progress I have made. I turn my mind from failure to success. And I pretend like God came down and said, “Alex, you will not fail – it is absolutely and utterly impossible for you to fail. No matter what you do, you will succeed. And you will achieve every single dream you have ever had, and so much more.”
And somehow it’s okay again.
It may be make believe, but somehow the imaginary reassurance from above makes it alright again. And so I march on, march forward, till my dreams become a reality. After all, didn’t you hear what God told me? ;)