Last night I was watching the sunset and thinking of photography. And for the first time in a long time I wasn’t thinking of the business or the blog. I was thinking about the art, the fine art of photography. I pretended that I wasn’t a professional photographer. That this wasn’t my chosen career path. I pretended that it was just what I did for fun, a hobby. I let my mind run wild with ideas and suddenly I felt a wave of huge inspiration. And it told me that this is just the beginning for me. And I was all, “Huh?!?” And it responded, “Yes, this is just the beginning.” Firstly I’m all freaked out that I’m talking to myself. Then I calm down because I realise it’s my inner artist speaking.
She never really gets the chance to speak. Most of the time I’m too busy to even notice that she’s trying to talk to me. It’s during the times of stillness that she gets through to me. When my mind is clear and I let go of all fear and barriers, she’s there. She’s there filling me with inspiration, motivation, crazy thoughts and ideas. She’s never spoken to me before, though. Maybe I never gave her the chance to.
But last night as I watched the sunset, as my mind quieted and focused on the pure beauty of the sunset, she appeared from nowhere. And she told me confidently that I’m just at the beginning of my journey with photography, and it’s only going to get better and much more interesting. An artist is never creating excellence from day one. It’s a process. She has to grow to create excellence. And this comes with time.
It could not have come at a more appropriate time. Lately, I have felt a lot of resentment. Yes, sometimes I hugely resent my camera and my photography. I’ve unintentionally stopped looking at in the fun, creative way that I used to. And, I hate to say it, but sometimes there’s this gut feeling that my work is not good enough. Do you know that feeling?
Here I’ve been, so naïve in feeling that this is a permanent state of feeling half bored and unsatisfied with my photography. But this stillness from last night, this conversation with my inner artist, it has done something to me. Taking the time to just stop and listen has become such a beautiful experience. Suddenly it seems very clear to me that it’s more than okay to be where I am with my photography. It’s okay to feel like my work is inadequate. It’s okay because I am only at the beginning. I have such a long way to go, and I have so much more to create.
I feel like I’m just finding the artist within and we’re just starting to be friends. I’m learning to communicate with the artist within and figure out how to quiet my mind and let my inner artist run free. I need to shake off the “fears” and “barriers” and remember why I fell in love with photography in the first place.
I need to shoot for me and remember what it feels like to “play” with my photography. I need to take this experience with my inner artist to realise that there is a creativity that lies deep within and it is just dying to come out, I just need to allow it to. I need to give her the chance to speak to me.
Inner artist, it was wonderful to meet you last night. I can’t wait to get to know you better and I can’t wait to hear more of your awesome insight. Thank you for reminding me that I’m only at the beginning, and that the possibilities are never-ending. You rock.